I was not very familiar to”rebellion”, if you ask anyone on my street growing up they would have said I was a good kid. I got caught once in 7th grade for smoking weed and my mom sent me to a wanna-be counselor at my church to help us quit. The truth was, I had no intention of smoking weed the rest of my life, I really didn’t even want to continue doing it after getting caught. However, there was another issue under the surface. A real one, one that I truly needed help on. Someone to confide in about this disease which would continue to wreak havoc on my life.
We all have something in us which tells us there is something wrong. That what we are doing is not right. If it wasn’t wrong then we wouldn’t hide it from everyone around us. It’s shameful, deceitful, and we feel the guilt even before understanding the reasons for feeling this way. No one told me this was wrong, I just knew.
So I did what I thought would help me feel better, I told the “counselor” at church about my issues with lust, pornography, and a compulsion to gratify my flesh. As you can imagine, he was not prepared to hear one of these “rebellious” kids open up on the first day of speaking with him especially about a topic so awkward, and vulnerable. I think that was my first attempt at finding freedom. I didn’t quite understand why I wanted to tell him about this issue, I just thought maybe he could help me get rid of this feeling of guilt and shame.
Now, the only thing I can remember him telling me was “once you get married it becomes much easier”. I think those words stuck with me for most of my life. Not because I was hopeful for getting out of this addiction (once I got married), but because I could tell he was giving me an answer so I would stop talking to him about such an embarrassing and awkward topic.
From my experience, this turned out to be the pattern for almost every time I reached out and confided in someone to see if they could help me get rid of this disease. Trying to get rid of my addiction to pornography while truly searching for God became my internal goal for the better part of my young life.
I became a Christian around my Freshmen year of High School, and I was flying on cloud nine. Funny how challenges seem so much easier to defeat when you are first awakened to your new life as a Christian. I found a youth pastor who truly did want to disciple me and help me to put my addiction on hold so I could grow in my walk with Christ. The problem came later on when I started to realize that I never really dealt with the issue of pornography I only set it aside for a moment because I was so caught up with my discovery of Christianity and my new found joy in Christ.
If your story compares, share with me on the comments below.